


Madness

by Mary_the_gardener



Series: Advent songfics challenge 2019 [18]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: But you can pretend the ending is hopeful, Dialogues are banned forever, Don't blame me please it Just happened, Feelings Realization, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sad, Songfic, a bit of angst, bad timing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21837610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_the_gardener/pseuds/Mary_the_gardener
Summary: It had started to dawn on him right when he came back from summer break: every corner, every wall, every tile, they all brought back scenes of the past. Scenes of every day life, but that would not happen anymore now.Every single steps he takes into the club he is reminded of Javier. And of how he is not there anymore.It took some weeks, for the feeling to sink in completely, and he gave it different names before finally finding the right one. But as the season grew closer he became more restless. And it was not anxiety for the competitions.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: Advent songfics challenge 2019 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558414
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Madness

**Author's Note:**

> This one song was playing on the Radio as I came back home the other afternoon, and so here we are.
> 
> Please mind the tags.
> 
> Inspired to: Madness - Muse
> 
> Edit: Due to copyright restrictions, all the [lyrics ](https://genius.com/Muse-madness-lyrics) in the work have been replaced by an **x**.

It had started to dawn on him right when he came back from summer break: every corner, every wall, every tile, they all brought back scenes of the past. Scenes of every day life, but these would not happen anymore now.

That stain on the wall... that was Nam's fault. And Javi's. And technically also Yuzuru's own fault but he was only a poor victim of their acts, caught by surprise when they had jumped out from around the corner and scared him... He had ended up squeezing his juice pack right on the wall.

That bench in the corner of the changing room, where Javi's t-shirt had remained for weeks after it landed there one evening, Javi's attempt of throwing it on Yuzuru failed.

That table near the wall in the cafeteria, over which thy initially fought, Javi claiming it as his since he had been sitting at it for months already, not willing to give up on his habits, Yuzuru wanting it himself because it was right next to the power socket he needed to charge the tablet he used to study, arguing that it was a way more valid reason than Javier's.  
That's how they had ended up sitting together every day.

Every single steps he takes into the club he is reminded of Javier. And of how he is not there anymore.

**x [2]**

It took some weeks, for the feeling to completely sink in, and he gave it different names before finally finding the right one. But as the season grew closer he became more restless. And it was not anxiety for the competitions.

He would be stroking around the ice and Javi's silhouette would appear next to him, repeating the same movements as him. He would be changing out of his training gear and he would hear Javier singing coming from one of the shower stalls. He would look up at the owner of the hand that was helping him up after a fall, and for a second he would see Javier's smile juxtaposed on Jason's.

**x [2]**

As the season started to unfurl he tried to suppress all of it, to concentrate on his training instead of things he could not have anymore.  
But he would lay down in his bed, the walls painted blue with the flickering reflection of the streetlights, and the weight of the sheets on his chest would turn into the light pressure of Javier's arms around him. He would be walking down the corridor at Cricket's and he would hear the faint laughing of Javier echoing at the end of the alleyway. He would be on his way back home and he would see Javier sitting down at the bus stop.  
  
And he would open up his arms, to return the hug, run down the corridor, expecting to see his friend appear around the corner, walk back to the bus shelter to say hi.

**x**

When he had to spend days closed in his room, ankle propped up and regularly iced, he started to see Javier sitting on the floor next to his bed. Or he would be laying down next to him, doing some mindless conversation. Or he would take over his mother's features when she came to bring him tea or soup.  
He knew none of it was real, his mind just playing tricks on him, because Javier had never visited him in all the past years of their training together. Not even once.  
But now, feeling him so close, so real, Yuzuru started to wish he had. He wished they had made their way back home together sometimes, he wished they had learned to just spend some time together, do some mindless talk outside of the training facility. He wished he had invited Javi to his place, at least once, to show him his room, point with pride at his One Ok Rock posters and open for him the drawer where he jealously keeps his earphones collection, to just sit together on his bed and have a light and silly conversation.  
  


**x [2]**

When Javier came back, in January, for barely three weeks of training, he expected the hallucinations to stop, the real subject of his longing driving away those unreal visions. But they didn't, and in a certain sense things even got worse, because he would hear Javier speak to him while they were in the same room, except he hadn't uttered a single world; he would feel Javier's hands brush his waist when they were on the ice and he passed him.. at more than one meter from him.  
From a certain point of view though it was a good thing. Because when Yuzuru thought he heard Javier speak he would answer back, and that would start a conversation where they would have remained silent otherwise; and upon realizing that that gentle touch was but a ghost he would seek Javier's hands himself one lap later.

It's different, he realizes, from how they used to be - how _he_ used to be- during the other seasons, when he always ended up feeling the need to step back, put on a glass between them, even if they were not even that close to begin with. Definitely not as close are they are now. Maybe it's because they won't compete against each other ever again, but maybe that's not the reason..

**x [2]**

  
  
Maybe it's just that now Yuzuru understands, sees, what he refused to see up until now. All of Javier smiles, and gentle touches, all of his care and unprompted attentions. All the heartfelt words he told Yuzuru. That now he wishes he said yes all those times Javier suggested hanging out together after practice. He wishes he had caught that fleeting spark that appeared into Javier's eyes when he looked at him.

  
**x**

  
By the end of Javier's stay, Yuzuru is clinging to him like back in 2012, when they were still young and sweating their way together to find their places into the upper ranks. And he still sees him laying on his bed when he turns his lamp off before going to sleep. And he sometimes finds him gently smiling at him when he opens his eyes in the morning. It's all a trick of his desperate mind, he knows, but somehow he likes this, having this extra part along with the true, physical contact he can have during the day at the rink.  
  
And he realizes he doesn't want to give up either of these things. Not the real ones nor the fake ones. The only thing he would change is... it's that he wish all of it were real, including Javi laying relaxed on his bed, Javi hugging him under the covers and more, more; more intimate things he only very recently learned to admit to himself, dreams from which he wakes up all sticky in particular places.  
  
The only problem is that Javier is getting on a flight for Belarus. And he won't come back this time. Because maybe, maybe now it's too late.

  
**x**


End file.
